When Vegans Attack, Call Homeland Security
Government Acts To Protect Honey-Baked Hams
From Terrorist Vegans
You should feel a whole lot safer. Local departments of homeland security, in this case in DeKalb County Georgia, are taking the lead in protecting das Homeland from terrorist vegans. Want to buy a honey-baked ham and some fixins'? Thanks to alert federal agents, you won't be deterred by vegans conducting a perfectly legal protest! They'll be arrested, detained, and maybe even extraordinarily rendered to camps, where they will be force fed pork rinds and spiral-cut smoked turkey.
All hail the Dear Leader and the Department of Truth! Ingsoc! Doubleplus Good!
tags: caitlin childs war on terror impeach bush department of homeland security vegans dekalb county right wing
Thing is, vegan organizations are probably the last people on earth to be a threat to homeland security. They spend so much time worrying about what other people are eating that they haven't got time to bomb anything.
Posted by: Marie Antoinette | January 27, 2006 at 09:00 AM
I saw this, and thought, what a waste of money! Why on earth are they doing this. Homeland Security needs (all of them)to read the Bill of Rights and play close attention.
Posted by: larkohio | January 27, 2006 at 10:00 AM
I'll have to email my Republican parents, who live in GA. Won't they be happy to know that W is funding this...?
Posted by: Kathy | January 27, 2006 at 10:21 AM
The vegans I know don't worry about what other people are eating, but they are very attentive to what they eat. No worse than poepll who keep Kosher, really, or have any other dietary restrictions real or imagined.
This would be surrealistically hilarious if it weren't so ominous. I think it's a trial run on searching out anyone who is suspected of being progressive and anit-BushCo.
Posted by: isabelita | January 27, 2006 at 11:24 AM
When vegans attack is it Biological Warfare? Call Jack Bauer!
(sorry couldn't resist).
Posted by: Kvatch | January 27, 2006 at 12:29 PM
It makes perfect sense to me. Terrorists don't eat pork so therefore anyone protesting pork is a terrorist.
Posted by: fallenmonk | January 27, 2006 at 01:06 PM
Vegans are too physically debilitated from their protein deficiency to pose a real threat to anyone or anything. If a Vegan protestor got in my face about buying a ham, I’d just ignore him. I don’t need Homeland Security’s protection….although I might be tempted to pelt the protestors with pork products. Naw, that’s just cruel…
Posted by: comandante agi | January 27, 2006 at 02:03 PM
Hell, Deacon Dumb has got just the answer to this! Send the Marines in with air support and kill all the pigs in Georgia. Problem solved.
Posted by: GRUMPY OLD MAN | January 27, 2006 at 03:03 PM
That ham looks good and makes me hungry. The vegans wouldn't dig that. But I am so on their side. For crying out loud, they call out the cavalry for a protest at the local Honeybaked Ham, and they can't haul butt to NOLA when Katrina hit?
I'm confused. And I really want ham for supper. Oy!
Posted by: Pepper | January 27, 2006 at 03:10 PM
This episode also makes me glad that I moved out of the South. There are some wonderful people there who are way stronger than I am - like those vegans - who have to take this kind of crap day after day. Best of luck to them.
On second thought, I'll eat chicken instead.
Posted by: Pepper | January 27, 2006 at 03:11 PM
mmmmm hammm
Posted by: Fred | January 27, 2006 at 03:35 PM
I think I speak for most Americans when I ask, "Where can I go to be force-fed pork rinds?"
Call it a fantasy, whatever. Just don't be cheap with the gravy.
Posted by: Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker | January 27, 2006 at 05:04 PM
WHY do the vegans hate America so?
Posted by: No Blood for Hubris | January 27, 2006 at 06:00 PM
Our Government will do everything in its power to protect its swinging meat.
Posted by: Robot Buddha | January 28, 2006 at 03:23 AM
Back in the Pleistocene an Air Force vet told me about C-130s flying across the country, back and forth, at end of the FY to burn JP-4 and keep up the line on the budget. Now we see a local secret police showing that their money was well spent because they spied on somebody, anybody. If it wasn't vegans, it would be PETA or the Audubon Society.
What do you expect them to do? Go after real terrorists? Somebody could get hurt that way.
Don't worry. Soon enough they'll need to fill their quotas of suspects in custody. In the meantime, your local secret police is keeping in practice. (Do you really think it's only happening in Suburban Atlanta?)
Posted by: Tirebiter in Sector R | January 28, 2006 at 06:14 AM
Osama is alive and hiding in the smokehouse! There was honest-to gawd talk of bombing muslim based countries with pigs. So this is the WMD arsenal.
Posted by: Mary | January 28, 2006 at 08:45 AM