Republican Sex Scandal Update (U.K. Version)

Wrote this for Blairwatch, but the site is glitchy at the moment - it thinks it's still 1970 - so at the moment this is a cross-post without a ... cross-post. Enjoy.

One of the problems we have over here in 'Murrica is Republican politicians regulating our sex lives.  They're obsessed with gays, presidential blowjobs, and Blastocyst-Americans.  That's why we Foul-Mouthed Bloggers of the Left rejoice when a deeply hypocritical or deeply closeted (or both) politician gets caught with his pants down.  It's better than garden-variety corruption because, as this country was started by religious nutjobs that you rightly kicked out of your country, sex scandals send our God-fearin' populus into a tailspin.

Many of you may have heard of Senator David Vitter, a married Louisiana Republican firebrand who ran and won on a family-values platform in 2004.  He even used his kids in his campaign ads.  Predictably, his phone number was found in the phone records of the D.C. Madame - Vitter had been dogged by rumors of his fondness for hookers for years.  He admitted to a "serious sin" in his past, but limited his mea culpa to D.C. - said he'd never banged any hookers in New Orleans.

Of course, Larry Flynt produced a New Orleans hooker a couple weeks later, Wendy Cortez, who said she and Vitter did "his business" quite a few times - a fact which probably didn't please Wendy Vitter, the senator's wife, who once compared herself to Lorena Bobbitt.  You can compare the Wendys here.  The wingnuts aren't calling for Vitter's head though, mostly because Louisiana's governor is a Democrat who would naturally replace Vitter with one.

Not so lucky is Larry Craig, a Republican senator from Idaho. Craig was caught soliciting sex in a Minneapolis airport bathroom. Gay sex.  Just what the people of Idaho expect from their fag-bashing, Bush-enabling, family values senator.  Craig pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor and hoped it would go away.

But it didn't go away.  Not so much because he was looking for hot gay sex, but because Idaho's governor would replace him with another Bush-enabling Republican.  Thus the GOP could safely call for Craig's head on a platter without fear of losing a Senate seat.

At first, Craig said he wouldn't go.  Then he changed his mind and gave a press conference to tell the world: "I am not gay."  Then he decided to challenge his guilty plea (a fool’s errand). Now he’s decided to stay … for a while. Maybe.

A few days ago I blogged on Rep. Patrick McHenry of North Carolina, another deeply-closeted Republican. Of course, he regularly stands up in the House and yammers about family values and how bad teh gayz are. So naturally, we unhinged lefty bloggers are looking to take him down. Plus, McHenry may be involved in a GOP gay murder-suicide. How much fun is that?! Stay tuned!

Comments

[actor212]

No one could have forseen this outbreak of teh gay in the Republican party!

[mandt]

I've got a gay headache now.

[tata]

L'Oreal covers gay. Is Larry worth it?

[Jo]

Haha, these shenanigans were becoming a weekly affair on the Daily Show, before the Writers Strike.

[merlallen]

Wow! Why would anyone pay a hooker who looks just like his wife? haha that is sick.

[Bob King]

You know, I hate to say this, but with ...erm.. straight news like this, who needs comedy writers?

Remember how comedians mourned when Nixon left office? Rich Little's career never recovered. Imagine the devestation...

Oh wait. I just remembered the crop of Democrats that are upcoming. Unintentionally hilarious, the lot of them.