agitprop version 2.0

Crank Addicts For Christ

In March 2005, Ashley Smith was held hostage in her apartment by Brian Nichols. Smith told police and reporters that she persuaded Nichols to surrender by reading him passages from the spiritual best seller "The Purpose-Driven Life." Smith immediately became a media sensation and hit up the cable talk-show circuit. She recounted how Jesus had saved her from possible rape and murder at the hands of Nichols. It turns out that what got her through the ordeal was not Jesus, but rather Crystal Meth:

In the memoir, "Unlikely Angel: The Untold Story of the Atlanta Hostage Hero," Ms. Smith recalls that Brian Nichols, who has been charged in the death of three people shot at the Fulton County Courthouse and a fourth killed elsewhere in Atlanta soon before her kidnapping, asked her if she had any marijuana. She answered no but said she did have some "ice," or crystal meth.

Marijuana is like so last century man. Meth is totally in now . . .

. . "Suddenly, looking down at my drug pouch," she says, "I realized that I would rather have died in my apartment than have done those drugs with Brian Nichols. If the cops were going to bust in here and find me dead, they were not going to find drugs in me when they did the autopsy. I was not going to die tonight and stand before God, having done a bunch of ice up my nose."

I don't think God would be happy if you arrived at the gates of heaven high on crank. After seeing your dilated pupils and your relentless twitching he would have sent you to purgatory for about 200 years. Wise choice Ashley.

Feed My Lambs and Shelter My War Criminals

The Vatican--the infamous den of fine art, homophobes and pedophiles--is now proud to call themselves the protectorate of war criminals:

The Vatican is helping Croatia's most wanted war crimes suspect evade capture, a top UN prosecutor alleges. Carla del Ponte, chief prosecutor for war crimes in the former Yugoslavia, has said she believes Gen Ante Gotovina is hiding in a monastery in Croatia. Ms del Ponte's spokeswoman told the BBC News website that the Vatican had refused to help in the search for him, despite being in a position to do so.

So who is General Ante Gotovina? According to Wikipedia:

Gotovina was indicted by the International Criminal Tribunal for the Former Yugoslavia in 2001 for crimes against humanity and violations of the laws and customs of war that the court claims troops under his command committed over the Serbs in the self-proclaimed Krajina region during and after Operation Storm (during which the Serb-occupied territories of Croatia were restored).

As if prosecuting the Crusades, leading the Inquisition and supporting the rape and pillage of the Americas wasn't enough for the folks at the Vatican. So, Ratzinger the Stinger is allowing his churches to harbor a fugitive war criminal? I wouldn't expect any less.

Hotcakes For Christ

Rise and shine! It's a beautiful Saturday morning and I'm going to start my day out with some of Pat Robertson's delicious Age-Defying Protein Pancakes:

America loves pancakes! Pancake houses across the country are packed. But what are those syrup drenched, hot cakes doing to our bodies? Putting us on a fast track to weight gain, high cholesterol and adult onset diabetes.

But now there is hope for everyone who loves this early morning treat. Pat's very own Age-Defying Protein Pancakes! These delicious pancakes give you energy, help your heart and provide a substantial boost of muscle-building protein.

He is also selling an age-defying shake and age-defying anti-oxidants from his Christian Broadcasting Network. By trying to defy age, Pat is clearly trying to defy God. Moreover, there's no ethical conflict of interest in selling products off your nonprofit organization's website, right Pat?

Flip some flapjacks for Jesus. If you're lucky you might get one like this:

         

Then you can sell it on Ebay for $10,000. After all, Jesus was crucified so that millionaires could make more millions off his namesake.

Faith-Based Disaster Relief

Hulkaleezza to the rescue:

BAYOU LA BATRE - After fending off criticism that help came too slowly for Hurricane Katrina's black victims, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice nodded in agreement Sunday to a call for patience.

"Wait for the Lord," the Rev. Malone Smith Jr. told Rice and the rest of the Pilgrim Rest AME Zion congregation outside Mobile.

"There are some things the president can do; there are some things the government can do," Smith told about 300 worshippers. "But God can do all things. I want you to know he's never late. He's always on time."

Rice, the Bush administration's chief defender against charges that the government's sluggish response showed racial insensitivity, later echoed the call for patience.

"The Lord is going to come on time, if we just wait," she said.

Be patient you whiny petulant children. All you do is complain!

"Waaahh, we lost our house in the hurricane. We had no food or water for a week. No one helped us, not even the government. Waaahh!!"

Be patient and the Lord will come to your rescue (that is if you pray correctly).

Condi's damage control mission simply gives credence to Kanye West's outburst last Friday. If I may I'd like to revise Mr. West's statment . . . George Bush doesn't care about poor black people or ones that aren't in his administration. Actually, George Bush doesn't care about anyone but his corporate donors.

This also speaks volumes about the Republican attitude toward government. Starve it until it drowns in a bathtub. Then, simply tell citizens that they must be patient and wait for God's help.

hat tip: watertiger

hurricane katrina katrina politics michael brown kanye west

Katrina: Blame It On The Kids

White House Information Minister and stenography session leader Scottie McClellan has argued that we should not play the blame game by assigning responsibility to the Bush administration for their failures to respond to Hurricane Katrina. F*%k that Scottie! I'm gonna play the blame game whether you like it or not you little pudgy faced bastard!

            

The young members of the Presidential Prayer Team for Kids should be charged with dereliction of duty for inadequately praying for both Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff and FEMA chief Michael Brown. On June 10, 2005 they were given clear orders to pray for Michael Brown. Twenty days later, on July 1, they were specific instructions to pray for Michael Chertoff. Therefore, PPT Kids members had three full months to pray for these leaders before Hurricane Katrina struck on August 28.

"Brownie" was doing a heck of a good job even though he was abandoned by the bratty kids who willfully chose to ignore their Presidential Prayer Team Weekly Briefings. Clearly they either did not pray enough, or their measly prayer effort was not enough to convince God to enable these bureaucrats to save the city of New Orleans.

hurricane katrina katrina politics michael brown

Killers For Christ

The recent case of Pat Robertson foot-in-mouth disease has spead wide and far. Both the local WB and Fox affiliates here in Los Angeles reported it on the 10 o'clock news and interviewed people for their reactions. One streetgoer compared Robertson's extreme Christian views of pro-assassination to the extreme Muslim ideology of suicide bombers.

I think we all need to give the poor senile bastard a break. Ezra Klein understands. Here's the deal. Jesus did not speak about assassinations in the Gospels. Therefore, it is acceptable to assassinate people. Jesus didn't preach about the internet either, so that's why it is ok for us to use the internet. And so on . . .

Americans should be thankful that this Supreme Talibangelist is here to identify our collective enemies. Robertson boldly described the dangers of Venezuelan evildoer Hugo Chavez:

He has destroyed the Venezuelan economy, and he's going to make that a launching pad for communist infiltration and Muslim extremism all over the continent. You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war.

He continued by channeling the words of a famous fictional General:

But today, war is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.

I wonder if next week Pat will preach about the evils of flouridation in children's ice cream.

What's The Matter With Kansas?

Well, this is probably at the top of the list:

A fringe Kansas church that claims Americans soldiers deserve to die in Iraq because the church was the target of a bombing attempt plans to demonstrate at the funeral of a Moorhead soldier.  Sgt. Bryan Opskar was killed on July 23 when a roadside bomb exploded. A military spokesman says the 32-year-old Marine was conducting combat operations near Ar Rutbah, Iraq.

Ten members of the Westboro Baptist Church (WBC) of Topeka, Kansas, plan to picket for 30 minutes before Opskar's funeral in Moorhead on Tuesday, said Shirley Phelps-Roper, church attorney and daughter of church minister Fred Phelps. The church operates at least two Web sites — godHatesAmerica.com and GodHatesFags.com — and links soldiers' deaths in Iraq to a bomb that exploded on its compound in 1995.

So, Pastor Phelps and his homophobic wack-pack of brainless followers oppose the Iraq War? Yes, because that is their way of getting back at the United States military which according to them has been infiltrated by homosexuals. Why does it always come down to the G-word with these wackos? The following is a statement from their website:

Thank God for IEDs killing American soldiers in strange lands every day. WBC rejoices every time the Lord God in His vengeance kills or maims an American soldier with an Improvised Explosive Device (IED). "The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance: he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked" (Ps. 58:10). This nation bombed and raided the Westboro Baptist Church, and now the Holy God that Inhabits Eternity is repaying those heinous acts with His retaliatory wrath; "Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord" (Rom. 12:19). To most effectively cause America to know her abominations (Ez. 16:2), WBC will picket the funerals of these Godless, fag army American soldiers when their pieces return home. WBC will also picket their landing spot, in Dover, Delaware early and often.

This is truly one of the sickest things I have read in a long time. Phelps is not a pastor and his congregation is not a church. Phelps is a evil, deranged hateful barbarian who rejoices about murder in the name of his god. Their "church" is more like the reincarnation of Timothy McVeigh, the KKK and the American Nazi Party all rolled into one basket of hateful slime. The picture to the left is of Phelps' wife Sherry at one of their anti-gay protests.

I truly cannot think of a higher blasphemy that promoting hate and murder in the name of Jesus Christ. If and when Jesus returns to Earth, these barbarians will be the first ones cast down into the fiery depths of eternal damnation.

Dear Lord, Please Help Us Kill All The Terrorists

Remember two years ago when U.S. soldiers in Iraq were asked to pray for President Bush?

They may be the ones facing danger on the battlefield, but US soldiers in Iraq are being asked to pray for President George W Bush. Thousands of marines have been given a pamphlet called "A Christian's Duty," a mini prayer book which includes a tear-out section to be mailed to the White House pledging the soldier who sends it in has been praying for Bush.

"I have committed to pray for you, your family, your staff and our troops during this time of uncertainty and tumult. May God's peace be your guide," says the pledge, according to a journalist embedded with coalition forces. The pamphlet, produced by a group called In Touch Ministries, offers a daily prayer to be made for the US president, a born-again Christian who likes to invoke his God in speeches.

Sunday's is "Pray that the President and his advisers will seek God and his wisdom daily and not rely on their own understanding". Monday's reads "Pray that the President and his advisers will be strong and courageous to do what is right regardless of critics".

In the July 15 edition of The Presidential Prayer Team For Kids, an offshoot of the Presidential Prayer Team, our children are asked to pray for President Bush, CIA Director Porter Goss and Director of National Intelligence John Negroponte. Here's one of the messages to the kiddies:

If you've been listening to the news lately, you know that the President has a big choice to make in the next several weeks. Since Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor retired from the Court, he now must choose someone to take her place. Pray that God will guide the President as he chooses a new judge for the Supreme Court, helping him select the person who will please God and rule justly. Ask God to help the President choose the right person—someone who has great judgment and who really understands the Constitution.

When the theocrats take over the government after the new Supreme Court effectually merges church and state, will our children be forced to pray for war criminals in public schools?   

         

On Religion

Last night we watched Morgan Spurlock's new television show 30 days. I typically hate reality shows but I found this show to be wildly entertaining and educational.

In this particular episode, a Christian man from West Virginia went to live in Dearborn, Michigan as a Muslim for 30 days. Dearborn has the highest population of Muslims in the United States, and has had some controversy about Muslim prayer calls broadcasted over loudspeakers throughout the city. This Christian man struggled as he was forced to live with a Muslim family, dress like a typical Muslim man, learn Arabic, and attend prayer services five times a day.

What struck me was the Christian man's reaction to having to pray in the Muslim prayer services. He felt as if he was betraying Jesus by praying to "the Muslim God". His narrow-minded view of religion got me thinking about religious conservatism in general. Religions don't have their own separate gods although they may claim that theirs is the one true God. There is only one god which various religions explain in their own culturally-sanctioned ways.

I don't pray that often, but when I do, I ask God for strength and a clear mind. To me, God is an energy source that is present throughout all creation. God is not white. God is not a man or a woman. God does not have gender. The problem with all organized religions is that it try to pin down the definition of God and say "we have the definitive answer and everyone else is wrong".

How can humans explain the divine in human terms? That is virtually impossible. We are bound by the limitations of human language. We can't even begin to express the layers of divine complexity that do or do not exist. To experience God (or whatever you want to call it) I prefer to look at a beautiful meadow, sunset, or ocean waves, as opposed to worshiping in a church, mosque, synagogue or temple.

cross-posted at Blondespots (Was Blind But Now I See).

What Would Jesus Eat?

Agitprop is dedicated to uncovering the modern Jesus. Christians live by the motto "What Would Jesus Do?". President Bush, a devout fundamentalist Christian, has taught us that Jesus would invade countries for oil, torture prisoners, pollute the environment and reward greedy corporations. I previously uncovered the hip fashions of Extreme Christian Clothing when we learned What Would Jesus Wear? That leads me to food. So, what would Jesus eat?

Jesus would eat at my favorite burger chain In N'Out Burger. They started here in Southern California and have expanded into Nevada and Arizona. The company is privately owned by a Christian family and there are no franchises. I actually used to work in the building which housed their corporate headquarters located near UC Irvine. Their offices spanned the entire top floor of the building. The only way one could visit the top floor was with a security clearance. Besides creating fabulous tasting burgers and shakes, they have managed to sneak in some Christian propaganda onto their soda cups and burger wrappers. You may not realize it but if you look closely you'll see the hidden Bible verses.

Sipping your tasty milkshake you should take heed to Proverbs 3:5 which is written on the bottom of the cup: "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding".

The hamburger and cheeseburger wrappers warn of Armageddon with a reference to Revelation 3:20. The soda cups feature the kicker of all New Testament Bible quotes, the infamous John 3:16: "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. "

Does anyone know why sports fans carry signs reading John 3:16? Does Jesus really take sides in a football game anyways?

Next in the series . . . What Would Jesus Watch! Find out which televangelist is the Lord's favorite.

UPDATE: More burger joint musings from Roxanne and Jesse.