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November 12, 2005


My cat, while shining her butt on the carpet after a particularly nasty dump, left a duplicate of the Shroud of Turin.

How much am I offered?

Sigh. Why does the religious right always try to see the holy in inanimate objects, but never, it seems, in their fellow human beings?

Like, I was drunk the other night, and I went to take a pee and I missed the toilet, but I was too drunk to notice, so I didn't see it until the morning, and when I had to go again in the morning I went in there and there was, like, this stain on the carpet, see, and I went, "JESUS CHRIST!" because that's what it was! It was Jesus! And I had to go outside to pee because I couldn't pee with Jesus looking at me like that. So I got out my exacto knife and I cut it out real careful, and I was gonna auction in off on eBay, but it must have been invisible pee or something, because I put it in the microwave to dry and when I took it out Jesus was gone. The kitchen stunk pretty bad though.

Maybe this item will appear in an upcoming Bush Co. speech on the power of free markets. In the meantime, I hope her kids have a wonderful Christmas.

What next in this world of miracles? Our Harry Hound just left the Three Kings in the driveway this morning. M

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