Now that the McClellatron 3000 and Card are gone, Snow (no, the other one) is almost gone, and the White House pastry chefs have been shuffled, it’s time for a 5 point plan to rescue the Dear Leaker’s presidency. J. Bolten (no, the other one) vows to:
1) Deploy guns and badges (to play to the conservative base on illegal immigration using the cloak of Homeland Security).
2) Make Wall Street happy (through tax cuts).
3) Brag more ("highlight the glimmer of success in Iraq").
4) Reclaim security issue by playing tough with Iran (on Iran, "Democrats will lose").
5) Court the press (offer Tony Snow of Fox News the job of White House press secretary - looks like he'll acccept).
Of course, none of this will help. Instead, Agitprop offers the following:
1) Deploy decently-armored vehicles and good-quality body armor to the troops you claim to care so much about.
2) Make Wall Street happy through promises of tax cuts you will never deliver, sort of like your promises to help New Orleans.
3) Brag less, especially when you haven’t accomplished any mission except the one to deprive your “subjects” of even the most basic rights.
4) Reclaim security by actually reclaiming security instead of, for example, permitting 98 out of 100 shipping containers coming into ‘das Homeland’ to go uninspected.
5) Level with the press, especially about all those “ongoing criminal investigations” you’ve spawned.
That is all.
read more: karl rove george bush john snow impeach bush josh bolten scott mcclellan
So basically, the new White House strategy is pulled straight out of Animal House...
1) Double Sooper Sekrit Probation
2) An honorarium to Mayor DePasto
3) "Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be brief. The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our female party guests - we did. But you can't hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Greg - isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen! "
4) "Thank you, sir! May I have another? "
5) "Put Neidermeyer on it. He's a sneaky little shit just like you."
Well...all I got to say about that is..."Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no! And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the goin' gets tough... the tough get goin'! Who's with me? Let's go!
[runs out, alone; then returns]
What the fuck happened to the Delta I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you Bluto, we might get in trouble." Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. Wormer, he's a dead man! Marmalard, dead! Niedermeyer...
Otter: Dead! Bluto's right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part.
Bluto: We're just the guys to do it.
D-Day: Let's do it.
Bluto: LET'S DO IT! "
Posted by: actor212 | April 25, 2006 at 08:15 AM
6) Nuke Iran, thereby provoking another large-scale terrorist attack on a major U.S. city.
7) Claim extraordinary war powers in response to terrorist attack, declare yourself "dictator for life".
Posted by: Comandante Agi | April 25, 2006 at 08:30 AM
Too bad you are not "the decider"...
Posted by: denisdekat | April 25, 2006 at 10:55 AM
Ot but good ot
They linked to your previous post over at crooks and liars today.
Thought that might make you smile:)
Good for YOU!
Posted by: pissed off patricia | April 25, 2006 at 01:05 PM
Brag more?! The reputation of this administration has already been ruined by all the lying and what not. I guess they are just determined to entirely destroy every last vestige of credibility that might be left by lying even more!
Posted by: bhfrik | April 25, 2006 at 01:06 PM
Dump Bush? M
Posted by: mandt | April 25, 2006 at 05:20 PM
Was this five-point travesty drawn up by an eight-year old?
1. Play Cops and Robbers!
2. Give money to the rich, popular kids!
3. Brag more. (??!!)
4. Stick out your chest and act tough.
5. Suck up to the gossips.
And this is a change of course how, exactly?
Posted by: Thesaurus Rex | April 25, 2006 at 07:11 PM
Hey...wait a second! Those aren't good ideas at all!
I'm starting to think you don't like the President! And in a time of war, no less!
For shame!
Posted by: Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker | April 25, 2006 at 08:01 PM
Don't step in it, Bro...
You'll never get that off your shoe!
Great post.
Peace,
=RD=
Posted by: RainbowDemon | April 26, 2006 at 05:53 AM
Guess it's decided then! m
Posted by: mandt | April 26, 2006 at 02:01 PM